March 13, 2019

Loving myself

Sometimes I blame it on the stars. Being a Scorpio, I am intense and ‘busy’. Born on Saturday I am gloomy and serious. So when work gets tough, and tough I mean getting my introvert side out of balance, my dark imagination for the worst case scenarios take over. Or maybe I am a people-pleaser, which I attribute to me having to move around a lot as a kid and having to adjust to the new surroundings. When in Rome do as the Romans do. You are never certain whether what you are doing is correct and others can always correct you. Which is ok, you get to be really open minded, but on the other hand, you kind of lose your identity and what you really value and like. A lot of things you have to just take it as it is, due to circumstances, and never really decide on a lot of things or steer my course of life.

My mom is a control freak whose insecurity meant she wants a lot of things done her way, her way only, and at that precise moment. So to make her happy and stop her nagging, I really need to do what is asked of me quickly. Again I know I am not going to be happy if I blame my shortcomings on my mom and have to take full responsibilities for my own happiness. My dad was a civil servant (he’s retired now) and I notice that civil servants tend to have to act ‘meek’ so as to appear ‘humble’ and show proper respect to bureaucracy. As a grown-up, I now see that sometimes when is a conflict between me and ‘other people’, my parents tend to side with ‘other people’ and repeatedly tell me what I did was wrong, when I feel I was standing up for myself and no side was really right or wrong, just in a different opinion. I read a book that as babies, we can feel unconditional love, and if mom feel like it is a hassle to feed her baby, her baby would not feel the security from unconditional love. I know my mom loves me but I am also certain that I was considered a hassle to her as a baby… I am not sure if I know what unconditional love is. I do know I have to behave well and also be of use if people are going to like me.

Why am I starting this blog? Well actually I just wanted to write my gratitude stuff, which I think writing on a desktop is more convenient that on my tiny smart phone. I shopped a little this morning and it’s great to talk to a friendly and sincere seller. Walking along the road under the shady and breezy trees, looking at the clear blue sky, I want to be outside forever, instead of being in the building… And I also want to eat and sleep better. Guess I will have to be more mindful and intentional in my living to be truly happy and this may help me reflect and not let years go by.